Damion Page 9

  “I didn’t fully understand.”

  “No.”

  “How are you getting through it?”

  “Painfully slow.”

  Claudia reaches across the table and sets her hand over mine, squeezing my fingers before she withdraws her hand. “I’m sorry. I thought I understood, but I didn’t.”

  I sigh. “She didn’t want you to. There’s no way you could have. I appreciate it. So, on a happier note, what are you shopping for?”

  Claudia bites her lip. “I was actually wedding dress shopping.”

  “For real? Oh, my God. That’s wonderful.” I grin and it warms my heart to realize I fully mean it. “And you interrupted it for this sad fest?”

  “I enjoy the honesty. I always did.”

  “Why are you shopping alone? You should have your best friends and your mother and sisters.”

  “I…” Her head drops.

  “What?”

  “I didn’t want anyone to see me trying them on.”

  “Why?”

  She sighs. “Well… I’m madly in love with Devon. We have gotten along so well and my job is going fantastic and…”

  “That all sounds great. Kind of the dream, Claudia.”

  She nods. “Yes. And in all that happiness…”

  “What?” I prod.

  She puffs air into her cheeks and then releases it. “I’ve gained thirty pounds. I just eat. He wants to go out to dinner… sure. We go. He nudges me to have dessert always and I’m not good with temptation… and fuck. I’m as fat as Ireena always said.”

  “Ireena was just messing with you. You were never fat. She just enjoyed seeing you squirm. Actually, she thought you were gorgeous. Breathtaking even. And it puzzled her why Devon didn’t notice you sooner.”

  Claudia shrugs her shoulders. “Well, now all I can see is a white, stuffed sausage when I squeeze into the dresses.”

  “And Devon?”

  She rolls her eyes and grimaces. “He just says he loves my boobs, so who cares? He’s no help.”

  “Because he loves you as is, no matter what?”

  She scrunches up her face. “Well, when you say it like that…”

  “You sound like an asshole who doesn’t know how good she’s got it?” I supply before starting to grin.

  “I do.” She sighs. “But still, I hate how I look.”

  I take her hand and squeeze it. “As every woman knows, it’s how you feel, not how others see you. I’m pretty thrilled Devon isn’t being a prick or making you feel bad or shaming you.”

  “Never. He’s what makes it so easy to ignore my workouts and food restrictions. All the things I’ve tried that I can never sustain.”

  Her smile is small as she glances at me and then away. “Do you think…”

  “What?”

  “I know this is weird, after all this time, but you were always into natural, clean living, exercise, holistic medicine and organic foods… do you think you could teach me those things?”

  “You want me to teach you how to eat and live like me? I’m no nutritionist or physical trainer or anything. I taught myself everything I know and do. I do what works for me. I made a lot of bad decisions as a teen and now I’m trying to stay on track and undo all the harm I did.”

  “I would argue I use food to harm myself.”

  “I would argue otherwise.” I lean back and shake my head. “I’ll teach you about clean living only if you use it to love and care for yourself no matter where your body is at. I’m sick of hearing that maintaining a certain size will bring you unfettered happiness. Believe me, it doesn’t. Skinny people are just as miserable or happy in their lives as fat people. And in between those two descriptions are all the other people. Including you.”

  Claudia scoffs. “I can’t imagine such a place in my psyche where I found this,” she glances down at her torso, “fine or good. It’s not something to love or be proud of.”

  “I can. And if you promise to work towards that, then I’ll gladly show you some of the things I do to stay healthy.” I don’t hesitate. She was always nice and real, if not a little timid. I like Claudia but there was no way we could be friends when Ireena was alive. First, because of how jealous Ireena was of her and later, after Devon, their mutual hatred was too advanced. But now there is no more Ireena. And I’m lonely. I want a girlfriend. A real one. Maybe I could find her in Claudia. She’s reaching out to me. She seemed genuinely glad when she saw me and invited me to lunch.

  “Thank you. I would like that.”

  “And I’d encourage you to find a dress that fits you just as you are. I’m not helping you drop thirty pounds in three months or whatever you were aiming for. If you want a starvation cure, find someone else.”

  “Five months.”

  “Well, still. I’ll help you incorporate more exercise and yoga and meditation while advising you on the types of whole, healthy foods I eat. I don’t encourage dieting. I can’t be of any help to you if you seek that remedy. I give you no guarantees but perhaps you’ll notice that you’re feeling better.”

  “No dieting? How does one lose fat then?”

  I wave at her. “How have the endless diets to date worked for you?”

  Claudia tilts her head and bites her lip. “Wow. Touché. Okay. Shall I expect to look like this on my wedding day?”

  “Well, are you marrying Devon for that one day or for your entire life?”

  Her smile is rueful and almost sheepish. “My entire life. Man, you sure can drive a point home with only a few words.”

  “Okay, then I’ll expose you to my life’s choices and you can do whatever you want with them or see if it helps you. Where are you living now? Silver Springs?”

  “Vancouver still. I run the branch office of Tamasy but Devon and I are looking for a place halfway between Vancouver and Silver Springs. We’ve been saving our money and we’re hoping to get some land and… Crap, I think I’m about to become a country girl.” She shakes her head and makes a face. “I grew up in small town suburbia. But this reaches a whole other level when you use the term, rural country.”

  “God, tell me about it. I grew up in block after block of concrete and housing. The only grass that I saw was usually brown or full of trash and homeless people.”

  “Do you like it here?”

  “No, I love it here. I would never go back.”

  “Why did you come here?”

  “Ireena freaking pulled out a map and started applying to colleges everywhere. She took the best scholarships that were offered and I followed her formula. Spent the first two years at the community college and got my grades up high enough to be accepted at the University of Northern Oregon. Now I just have to pay for it for the rest of my life.” I smirk.

  “It was just the two of you always then?”

  “Yeah, us against the world.”

  Claudia nods. “I didn’t know. I guess you feel just as lost as Damion.”

  Hearing his name makes my nerve endings stand upright and I nearly tremble. Trying to keep my voice casual, I say, “Maybe. How is he doing?”

  “He and Devon have come full circle during the last year. The two of them are co-parenting Dayshia. Their mom and dad provide babysitting services, advice and their assistance, but those two handle the main bulk of the work and do all the worrying. I go there quite often, and when it’s Devon’s night to care for Dayshia, that’s what we do. She’s an integral part of our lives, to be honest, and Devon and I both will miss her like crazy once we get married and move out.”

  “Dayshia. God. I miss her.”

  “Was it just too painful?” Claudia’s gaze is kind as it embraces me. No reason why I turned my back on my best friend’s little girl, despite how involved I’d been with her up until then. Or perhaps it’s worse after Claudia just heard what I had to say regarding Ireena’s friendship to me.

  I shake my head. What would happen if I told Claudia the truth? Would it even matter? I’m tired of not having someone to talk to. Who cares? T
here is no Ireena. And no one else who cares. Not anymore. I sigh and for the first time in a year, I reply honestly, “Damion and I got way too close during those first few weeks after Ireena died.”

  “Well, you two were the only ones who actually missed and grieved and ached for Ireena, not the abstract tragedy of the situation.”

  “Yes. You noticed that?”

  “Distinctly. That’s why I was so surprised when you disappeared. I prodded Damion about it several times but when he got surly about it, I backed off.”

  “We… did you know he and Dayshia stayed at my house the entire month after she died? Every single night.”

  Claudia’s eyebrows shoot straight up. “No. No, I had no idea.”

  “It was the only way either of us could stand it. Losing Ireena was so painful. And he was the only person who understood and soothed the emptiness and pain at the same time.”

  “But then…” Claudia’s tone drops, and her head tilts. She’s smart, sharp, and as schooled in the way of the world as she is kind.

  “Then one night, we were too close. It scared me. It really scared him. There was nothing to become of it or of us. We were two broken souls trying to fit our broken edges together. That didn’t make anyone whole, it only made an even more disturbing picture, one with jagged edges that were unappealing and unattractive.”

  Claudia leans across the table and takes my hand in hers. She squeezes my fingers. I’m touched by her friendship. It’s been so long. It makes something lodge in my throat. I blink at the tears filling in my eyes. “You lost so much. You both sought natural comfort from each other.”

  “I tried to convince myself Ireena would have laughed at it from Heaven. She would never hold it against me. Not if she were dead. If she were here, she’d have ripped my arms off. But if the situation were reversed, she’d have done it without guilt or regret. So I tried to believe that. But Damion and I realized we needed our space and there was nothing in the cards for us.”

  Claudia nods vigorously. “Ireena would have done it. And never have been sorry. If I were you, I’d simply remember that and let it be. I think you’ve been through a lot. I would love to see you more often. Damion needs to see you again too. You were his friend once, don’t forget. He could benefit from more of your visits.”

  “How is he? For real?” The inquiry sneaks past my clogged throat, and my heart beats faster as if I’m asking for a confidential national secret I’m not supposed to know. I need to know though. For real. My heart bumps and leaps at just saying his name and talking about him with someone else.

  Damn it. I guess I’m not nearly over him or what happened. Not as I believed until this exact moment.

  “He’s good, Kaeja. Really. He settled quickly into running the café and Dayshia is his whole life. Devon and he spend all their time together or with their family. It took a year to make the café transition from being their mom and Tara’s business to theirs. To add their stamp and vision to it. His grieving has turned to healing and he’s getting over what he lost and thought he ruined before. You shouldn’t have disappeared so completely from our lives” She shrugs and shakes her head. “Things are very different today. Why don’t you come to town and see us? All of us.”

  I suck in a breath at the acute desire and lick my lips. “I’ll think about it. Okay?”

  “Done.” We fall into lighter conversation as we both eat before Claudia asks, “I’m not ready to buy one yet but do you have the time to see me model a few dresses?”

  “I would love to do that. And maybe you will be ready to buy.”

  She rolls her eyes but her smile is self-conscious. She is sweet and yeah, I might be able to help her out with that. She rises to her feet and I follow her. Stopping, she says, “I know I wasn’t your best friend, and I can never be Ireena, but I would love to see where we might go.”

  I blink back the pressure of hot tears. Ireena. Loneliness. Loss. And now someone has her palm up in an offer of friendship. I could really use it too. I didn’t even realize that until Claudia presented it to me. I swallow over the lump in my throat. “I would like that. Now, let’s go find you a dress.”

  Chapter 6

  DAMION

  “Hey, you’re here early.” I grin my hello as I gaze at my cousin, Wesley, when he walks in. He is decked out in his Washington State Department of Wildlife uniform. So much like my Uncle Ryder’s uniform. They often used to come here together for a meal, coffee or a snack. It’s allowed us to remain close, where most grown-assed cousins probably aren’t. Wyatt is often around whenever his schedule allows.

  He nods as he slips into a booth without a smile and his mouth is puckered into an odd expression. He’s scowling. Is he angry? I stop, resting a knee on the bench opposite him. “What? Did you miss a perp or something? Don’t tell me a possum got the best of you? Or did a fish wrangle free of your handcuffs?” I tease him about his job.

  He shakes his head and when his lips separate, something is smudged on his teeth. “What? You got me, Wesley. What’s going on?” My concern starts to percolate in me.

  He begins to answer when Wyatt pops up behind him and says, “Dani finally got her hands on him.” Then he cracks up as he grabs Wesley in a headlock, pinching his cheek until Wesley shows off a full set of braces. Wesley turns, jabbing his fist into Wyatt’s stomach who lets out an “Oomph!” as he releases Wesley with a series of coughs and grabs his gut. I’m caught between cracking up and shaking my head.

  “What are you two? Forty or fourteen?” Wyatt’s actually forty-one and Wesley is thirty-eight but to see the shit they shovel at each other and all of their mock-wrestling, if one didn’t know them, they might conclude they are still in their teens settling their sibling rivalry. Wyatt laughs out loud as he plops into the booth. Wesley glares and finally sits down too.

  “Already, huh?” I kid them, my eyebrows rising and falling. “Dani finally gets her way with you and your mouth, huh? What did it take? Almost twenty years?”

  Wesley scoots his butt forward and back. “Nineteen. Stupid orthodontics. Hurts like a mother-fucker.”

  I glance around. Lots of mothers with young kids and elderly people are usually here at this time of day. The younger and middle-aged are at work and school. Wesley grimaces. “Sorry.”

  Wyatt adds. “He’s been crying louder than Dayshia.”

  Wesley throws an evil glance at Wyatt. “You don’t know the torture of these things.”

  Wyatt rolls his eyes. “Sure. I had them when I was like, thirteen, but being the late bloomer that you are…”

  I flop down to sit with them. “So, Dani’s finally convinced you to let her work her magic, huh?”

  “Says my bite is wrong and I’ll end up needing freaking jaw surgery if I don’t correct it now… My lower jaw juts too far forward, putting too much pressure on my socket, which will someday collapse… so here I am.”

  “Nothing sexier for Dani than seeing your jaw collapse and threatening to wire your jaw shut, is there?” Wyatt jabs his brother in the side. I can’t help but laugh.

  Wyatt is a long-time councilman in Vancouver. He and his wife, Jacey, live outside of Vancouver and have two kids. He often visits his parents and Wesley and Dani, who live full time in Silver Springs. Dani has a thriving orthodontics practice in Silver Springs and she treats children as well as adults from all over the Columbia Gorge. She and Wesley and their three kids have a cushy damn lifestyle thanks to her unbridled success.

  “So, how is Ryder handling all that fishing?” Wyatt and Wesley’s dad retired a few years back and all he did now was fish. Every single day. If it’s not salmon or sturgeon, he tries for bass, trout or even shad. He treats it as a full-time job. No, he might even be more serious about fishing than his life-long career.

  Ryder and his wife, Tara, usually come for dinner. Tara is also retired, giving the reins of the café she co-owned with my mom to Devon and me. For the past year, we’ve had complete control. We changed the set-up and updated the inside to ma
ke it more modern and trendy. Business is booming so it seems to be working.

  I chit-chat, listening with rapt absorption to the horror-filled story of Wesley and his braces. He orders chicken noodle soup, being convinced he can’t eat anything else. Ever again. I humor his dramatics and go back to the kitchen to help the cook finish up before I bring out their meals. It is something I look forward to lately. Lots of family and friends around Silver Springs keep me busy and engaged, free of the depression that waits for any opportunity to bring me down and keep me in bed.

  I have to show up at the café and take care of Dayshia.

  It saved my sanity during the last year. Mostly because of Devon. He didn’t have to be there for me like he was. Not after what I did to him. I didn’t deserve his kind response. But he was kind and I cherish it. We finally regained our old ease in the strange, synchronized, deep, twin connection. Talking with only our eyes across a room, without motion or facial expressions, is a skill I only share with Devon. We also possess a weird premonition of what the other might think or need or say. My betrayal erected an invisible shield between us, an unexplainable emotional and mental connection just as much as it felt physical. Twins. Brothers. Best friends.

  People are just getting to their feet to leave when Claudia walks in. After a round of long hellos, hugs and catch-ups before for my cousins leave, still giving each other crap, they jump inside Wesley’s beige WSWD truck with all its official insignia.

  I glance back at my brother’s fiancée as I sweep up the dishes and start back towards the kitchen. “Devon has to get some supplies from Island Farm products,” I inform her. That’s one of our main suppliers. They provide the freshest local farm-to-table produce. Our mom started out using only fresh, local ingredients and we’ve continued to improve and upgrade that by going organic. The smarter our customers become about food consumption, the more we have to cater to their demands, and it definitely seems to pay off in customer loyalty.