Rivers Rescue Page 17

  “Yes. Right here. As in right next to me. He’s lying flat on his back, staring up at the ceiling. It’s really disconcerting to talk so openly with him right next to me, but I can speak as if I’m totally alone. And I feel kinda mean about it too. I don’t really know the rules to this yet. Now, I think he’s lying there and probably wondering what the hell we did and why.”

  “Well, what the hell did you do and why?”

  “I think I’m falling in love,” Brianna said as she glanced sharply to her side. Finn didn’t flinch or move, being completely unaware of what she said. It was so incongruent.

  “Oh, my gosh.” Cami muttered from across the ocean. “Oh, my God. Brianna, that’s huge. You’ve never come close to saying such a thing…”

  “No. And with someone who is angry, alone, not used to any kind of relationship and deaf. But that’s not the biggest problem we face.”

  “What is?”

  “He thinks any kindness or attention I show him is out of pity and…”

  “Is it?”

  “NO.” Brianna quickly quieted down her protest. “No. This is real. I feel big, deep, heart-breaking emotions. You know, I don’t get emotional this easily. I’m not the kind of girl to fall in love often, if ever. Even if he seems to think I am.”

  “I know you’re not. Now, I suppose you’ll just have to convince him. The communication really isn’t a problem?”

  “Of course it is. He’s deaf, I’m not. He could fully understand me if I knew sign language, which I don’t, so… yeah. Of course it’s a problem. But I always feel all warm and flushed just thinking about him. Butterflies in my stomach, eagerness and excitement to see him again whenever I’ve just left him. I really like him.”

  “Then just continue to like him and figure out how that best works.”

  She sighed. “Well, that sounds easy but it’s a lot harder to do.”

  Cami made a noise. “Good God, Brianna. Do you think any relationship is easy? Hearing or deaf, it’s freaking hard. It doesn’t matter who you are. Nothing about Charlie and me was ever easy, not even from the first time he left the ranch. So remember: you’re not unique. Relationships are all hard.”

  Brianna smiled, so glad for her reassurance. Cami always knew how to bring her back to reality, and calm her wild imagination while toning down her much too often exaggerated responses. “Thank you, Cams. I needed to hear that.”

  “Well, of course you did. You’re Brianna. You were probably just trying to figure out how Finn could hear his best man at your wedding making a toast. Not literally, maybe but yeah, you tend to overdramatize almost everything.”

  “If you were here, I’d totally hit you.”

  “You would not.”

  “Ugh, I’d think about it though. If you were here this would be easier for me to experience. So tell me all about Germany and Charlie…”

  She later hung up and reached out to set her phone on his nightstand as she sucked in a breath. Okay, now what? An icy wall seemed to have filled the gap between them. She wanted to reach over it but a deep sense of fear kept her nearly pinned to the mattress. Finally, she touched his arm. He turned his face to her and seemed totally closed off when she saw his jaw clenching.

  “I shouldn’t have talked to her.”

  “She called you from across the ocean. Of course you should have.”

  “She was shocked to hear about us.”

  “I imagine.”

  “I’m sorry, it’s weird…”

  “You can talk on the phone? No it’s not weird. It’s weird that I can’t.”

  She reached out and ran her hand along his bare shoulder. “Do you have any idea how intimidating you are?”

  He jerked at her touch and she assumed her word. “Me? You keep saying that. How do you figure?”

  “You make me want to crawl into a ball and hide my face. You act so blank and uninterested in me. It seems like you don’t want to talk to me or let me touch you.”

  “I do that?” His eyebrows furrowed with concern.

  “Yes. You do that.”

  “You really feel intimidated by me?”

  “You say you don’t always read the social cues. Well, let me tell you something, the ones you send off are epically hard to ignore or get past. I have to muster up all of my courage before I reply, and before you? I can’t remember ever being intimidated by anyone. I can talk and charm and flirt my way past just about anyone’s defenses. But you? I had to get naked to reach you.”

  He flashed his teeth. “Because I can’t be flirted with or charmed, right? I can’t hear it, Brianna. Well, you intimidate me. I feel so stupid. Unsure. I don’t know half of what goes on around me. So…”

  “You create this emotional wall.”

  “I guess so. I don’t know why I do it. Just surviving, I suppose.”

  She scooted closer and kissed his mouth. He responded, leaning closer to her. “I want you to do more than just survive. I want you to open up to me at least. Let me get past it.”

  He nodded. His gaze flickering around her face as if he were looking for clues to what she said, or the punchline of the joke. He almost seemed suspicious and that made her heart contort with pain. God. He barely could believe anyone wanted him. And cared about him. And needed him.

  “That won’t happen after one night.”

  “No.” Duh. She smiled. “But I’ll wait it out. You will learn to trust me. And care about me and eventually, you’ll even want me.”

  He smiled and pushed the hair that slid onto her cheek behind her ear. “I already want you. Ever since the moment we ran into each other at the barn.”

  “Really? You have?” Her eyes lit up and her grin split her face.

  “Come on, you really didn’t know that?”

  “No. Really. You don’t give anything away.”

  “I thought, gee, I’d sure like to hit that and then I laughed at myself for how stupid that fantasy would be. No way could a woman like you choose to be with a deaf guy like me.”

  “That’s what you thought?”

  “Exactly my thoughts.”

  “You thought I was hot?”

  “Scorching.”

  “And yet, you never believed I could think the same of you?”

  “Nope.”

  She laughed at his curt answer. No hesitation. “So you instantly assumed I was shallow, vapid and rude?”

  “I… I didn’t think much about you. I appreciated how you looked but I didn’t how you might be. Never considered it. Why would I? I try not to repeat my mistakes from the past.”

  “Okay, I see that. But you still treat me as if I’m that shallow at times.”

  He gravely took her face in his hands and held her as she often did him. “My mistake, okay? You’re right. I’m the shallow one here. Not you. You never are.”

  She put her hands over his. “You were. And I’m not. Are you, Finn? Tell me the truth: are you going to have sex with me for the sake of sex? Or is it more like what I told you I’m feeling?”

  His eyebrows shot up. “In other words, am I just using you?”

  “Yes. So?”

  “You’re a lot more. You’re so much more of everything, Brianna. More than I’ve ever had in my life.”

  She kissed him. “Good. Then don’t forget it. And try to be nicer by letting your guard down with me, because you can make it really hard.”

  “What did Cami say?”

  “You have no idea how odd it felt to tell her about you when you were lying right there next to me.”

  “And you have no idea what’s it’s like to know you’re talking without a clue as to what you’re saying even though you’re right next to me.”

  She smacked her head. “You got weird because you were stressing what I was saying.”

  “Duh.”

  “Duh.” She grinned. “Next time, I won’t turn away.”

  “You can have all the privacy you want, Brianna.”

  “I can also tell you how floored she was when I tol
d her the same things I just told you. You’re so hard to read. You don’t share a lot, or even seem to know how to. You don’t totally take me serious and I totally do so…”

  “So… we’ll have to work on that.” He suddenly flipped her over and settled against her. She adjusted her legs around him, laughing and smiling as his mouth descended on hers and her arms embraced his shoulders.

  ****

  Brianna woke up at a more normal time. Sunlight filled the bedroom, which was stark white with only a dark gray cover on the bed to break the monotony of whiteness and brightness. She stretched and her muscles burned and creaked while her inner parts felt inflamed and tender. She grimaced as her eyes fluttered open. Her stomach was upset with nerves as she slid up to a sitting position after realizing she was all alone. She listened carefully, but heard nothing. She waited when she heard a small stomp, but nothing followed. Wow, it was quiet. She got up and went into the bathroom, only to grimace when she saw her reflection in the mirror. What a damn mess. Her hair was snarled and unkempt, with one side poofing up and not the other. Her skin felt sticky and her eyelids were crusty. Running her tongue over her teeth, she knew she badly needed a toothbrush.

  She sighed as she quickly ran the faucet and tried to clean up. She had to refresh herself. Empty her bladder. Having no brush, she left her hair as it was. Wincing, she quickly sent a text to her mom. Telling the truth to her mom still felt weird and her first instinct was to lie. At twenty-four years old, she should have been allowed, even expected, to spend the night at a man’s house without asking her parent’s permission. Brianna texted that she was at Finn’s. Not to worry. Well, there went her privacy.

  She entered the living room. Finn didn’t know she was up yet and she smiled instantly as a sensation of love and warmth began filling her body at the sight of him. Naturally, he was clueless she was watching him. How did he manage to wake up? She’d never thought about it before. No alarm clock could awaken him. That was the only way she could wake up, so how did he manage? He turned towards the fridge and caught sight of her.

  They stared at one another across the small living space. It turned all awkward as hell again. She withheld a sigh. He was not an easy man to get to know or continue knowing. He started so blank and neutral and preferred to stay like that. She remembered the rare and precious moments when she got something more and she felt like she’d gone to the moon and back, before he retreated again and inside everything went.

  Back into the safety of his silent, separate world.

  But Brianna would no longer allow him to retreat or fully occupy that silent world anymore. Not alone either. Not all the time anyway. “Where are you going?”

  “Work.”

  “Did you intend to wake me before you left?”

  “No.”

  “How do you wake up in the morning?”

  “I just wake up on my own. But are you asking how I manage without an alarm?”

  “Yes. I can’t wake up without mine.”

  “They have different versions now. One can be put under your sheets and it vibrates the bed.”

  “Oh.”

  Uh-huh. No sweet words of longing.

  “Finn?”

  There was a small smile. “Do I sense a question in my name?”

  She smiled. “I actually forgot for a moment, you can’t hear my disdain and annoyance.”

  “No. You’ll have to come right out and say it. Be more direct. You hearing people get way too caught up in the subtleties of tone and speech, which only waste a lot of time, I’ve noticed. If you want me to know something, you have to say it explicitly or I’ll miss it. I can’t catch on by your tone of voice.”

  “What do you predict is going to happen here?”

  “I… I have no idea. What do you mean?”

  “Did you expect me to disappear after last night so you wouldn’t have to deal with me any longer? Or did you think I’d pop back up here, buck naked and willing to go for another spin?”

  “Is that too much to hope for?” His eyes brightened. She caught the twinkle in his eye even though his voice gave nothing away. He seemed so incongruent sometimes, but she was slowly getting used to it.

  “Way too much.”

  “Are you sure about this?”

  Time. That was all that Finn believed in. After a long stare down, she stomped over to him. His eyes dimmed as she grew closer, pointing her finger at his chest. She pretended to be mad as she said, “You ruined my hair.”

  Frowning, he glanced at her natty hair before an unbelievable smile widened his compressed lips. “You had a hand in that.”

  She smiled as she walked closer to him. His gaze drifted to her bare legs. She had his attention, but she really wanted his love. And friendship. And trust. None of which she had any idea of how to attain.

  “I texted my mom and told her I was here.”

  His gaze wavered. “Why?”

  “I didn’t want her to worry.”

  “Great. Now the Rydells will know.”

  “I’m twenty-four, Finn and I’m here of my own free will. No one will dare to say anything. Besides if they try to razz you, just pretend you didn’t hear or see them saying it.”

  “How about if I do that with you? Will it work too?”

  She grinned. “Never.” Her smiled dimmed. “You know I want you to be my boyfriend, right? That’s what last night was mostly about.”

  “Brianna, I don’t know if I can be that.”

  “Of course you can.” She shrugged. “You will too. Right now, however, I need to shower and start fixing this rat’s nest on my head. I can do it here or at my house. Where would you like to see me after work? My house or yours? A brief caveat: at mine we cannot have sex; but at yours, we could.”

  “I doubt I would dare to do that, certainly not in front of your parents.”

  She kissed him. He easily responded and in no time, his attention grew amorous until his body reacted. “Not parents. Just my mom. Joey? How could he comment? See, you can answer me now. It’ll be okay. You’ll get used to it.”

  He nodded. He was not really answering anything but he let her demand it for now.

  She waited for him to turn and leave before making quick use of the shower. She couldn’t let Jacob see her hair or she’d never live it down. And there was no reason to rub her mom’s nose in it. Brianna could still be respectful despite being an adult.

  Presentable now, she went home, and was glad to find an empty house. They were most likely still upset over her brother. She sat down and settled into her email to get some work done. The afternoon literally flew by. She glanced up later on and found her mom standing in her bedroom doorway.

  She smiled a bit sheepishly and so did her mom.

  “So… you’re spending more time with Finn?”

  “Is that the mom version of what I’m doing?”

  “Well, what should I say?”

  “That works. And yes.”

  Her mom nodded. Brianna detected an energy surrounding her mom and something her mom wanted to say. “What is it, Mom? Do you disapprove? I am all of twenty-four now and I can do this. And besides, your son exhibits far worse behavior and with far more dodgy people so don’t try to get sexist on me or say that he can and I can’t…”

  “No. I mean, I don’t approve of or condone anything Jacob is up to right now. And no, I understand that you’re an adult now and all that. Actually, I was wondering if it was just for fun but I don’t need any details. Do you think it might be the start of something more?”

  “It’s not for fun, Mom. It’s the start of a lot more.” She leaned back in her office chair, stretching her arms overhead and glancing away as her peculiar feelings churned through her. She wasn’t used to feeling so timid or anxious, but trusting Finn with her tumultuous emotions seemed like too much to demand from herself. It was nice to have a luxury she never once noticed until she met Finn: speaking without the necessity for face-to-face contact. She could mask some of the powerful feelings
she felt towards Finn from her mom by avoiding eye contact. If she looked her mom in the eye, it would have been obvious all at once how she felt.

  Finn was so right, a lot of communication depended on facial expressions, eye contact and one’s tone of voice. The subtleties were endless and complicated. With Finn, however, most of that was obsolete.

  Her mom stepped in and sat on the edge of her bed. Nervous? Yeah. Her mom rubbed her palms together. “What is it, Mom?”

  “I know you haven’t asked my advice or opinion but I feel like I should say what I’m thinking. No, I probably shouldn’t. I want to say something that I think is very important. I didn’t speak up to your brother and look where he is now.”

  “Okay, you have my attention. You worry that I’ll become a drug addict like him with a baby on the way?” Her mom flinched. Brianna did too. “I’m sorry, that was directed at Jacob, not your mothering. It was too far, and I’m sorry because I know how much it hurts you.”

  Her mom threw her shoulders back. “No. It’s reality. Ignoring it won’t make it go away. It’s not supposed to be easy, given what a mess it is. But back to you… Are you sure you want to take something as big as this on with Finn?”

  “Being deaf is your obvious concern.”

  Hailey nodded. “I know it sounds awful but between just you and me, I ask you never to repeat this to anyone, especially Finn.”

  Brianna crossed her arms under breasts and snorted. “I doubt I would. It sounds hurtful to him, so why would I tell him such a thing?”

  “I’m not trying to be hurtful. I’m trying to look out for you.”

  “What’s your concern? He’s deaf? I noticed, Mom. Believe me, so did he.”

  “You’ve spent a lot of time with him?”

  “Yeah, tons. I mean, I have lot to learn about him, but for the brief amount of time we’ve been seeing each other, yes, we have a very real and deep connection.”

  “Has he said that?”

  “No. He doesn’t fully know it yet.”

  “Brianna?” Her mom threw up her hands. “What do you mean? How can you be so sure about something that he hasn’t said?”

  “Because Finn’s entire life is silence. Not just because he’s deaf. I mean, for over a decade, he’s lived almost completely solitary and isolated. Not just from his deafness but also the loss of his whole family. No one wanted to raise him.” Brianna’s voice caught and she shook her head. “Imagine that, Mom. The confusion. The grief. The loss. The seclusion. He had no one. No one cared about him. He had to live with some distant cousin of one of his parents who didn’t know him or want him. And don’t forget. He was deaf through all this. The support and help he required as well as navigating the red tape to receive it was provided by his mom and dad until they were snuffed out. And there’s never been anyone since who took any interest in him—”