River on Fire (River's End #5) Read online

  Her breath caught in her chest and her eyes grew wider until they were nearly cross-eyed as they stared unblinking at one another. The tip of her tongue emerged to lick her lips and her edgy nerves were reflected in her subsequent motions. “You—you just aren’t what I ever expected. And in so many ways that are deeper and more profound than I first predicted.”

  “Imagine living your entire life, and having every single person say something like that to you, while being floored that you’re not a shallow, empty screw-up or just an opportunistic player. I’m tired, so tired of those kinds of reactions to me, like Brianna’s. So I clearly understand all your insecurities. You think I’m too young and pretty to actually be interested in pursuing you. Did you ever think my interest might be because you talk to me like you actually see the real me? Imagine spending your lifetime never being taken seriously, and always wanting to be. I might have deserved it when I was in my late teens and early twenties. But now? I’ve worked long and hard to change my reputation and the face I present to the rest of the world. And I swear to you, none of my efforts ever seem to matter. I’m ready for results. I’m ready for a serious existence. I’m ready… for you.”

  She swallowed, letting her body undulate against his in the strong current. Big-eyed couldn’t begin to describe her expression. “I know, but all the wonderful things you could have, finding your first love, letting it bud into a new romance, totally immersing yourself in it all and your partner… I’m sorry, but I just can’t give those things to you. It goes beyond our age difference, it’s our different stations in life too. I’m tired of it too, Joey, and it’s not what you’re tired of. I’m utterly overwhelmed by my kids most of the time. Teenagers try your patience and every other good quality you might possess. You seriously can’t be willing to take all that on?”

  “But if I were forty, then it’s okay for you to assume I’d want to? Erin was twenty-six when she and Jack got together. His oldest had just turned sixteen. Not one person questioned whether or not she could handle the kids. Everyone assumed they just came with the package. With me, why can’t you believe that I want to accept the whole package?”

  She was quiet. Then she smiled softly. “I have no idea yet. Can I think it over some more? I have to deal with Brianna still. But… if it’s any conciliation to you, I was completely, irrationally jealous when I saw you out in the river talking to Erin. Erin. Whose husband also observed it and didn’t care in the least that you two were talking. It’s obvious those two love each other very much. But my irrational emotions reacted to it by making me flaming mad. I pictured myself drowning her. Or maybe handing her a cover-up because her damn bikini is so revealing.”

  A laugh escaped Joey’s lips. He didn’t expect such an irrational response from Hailey. “Really?”

  She lowered her head, and a small smile of embarrassment appeared as she pressed her lips together. “Really.”

  “I didn’t picture you getting jealous. I expected you to be impressed with how maturely we three handled the situation.”

  “That’s just it, I never show my jealousy, Joey. Even with my ex-husband, I didn’t. And before that? I don’t honestly remember. It’s been so long.” She sighed, and a rueful smile lifted her mouth up. “See? It’s the age thing again. It’s making itself known everywhere.”

  “So what? So what if it’s everywhere?”

  “Well, it makes me feel weird. Old. Kind of like if you were interested in Brianna.”

  He lifted her under her armpits until she was higher than him and slowly slid her down his body. When her head was right near his mouth, he whispered, “Except I’m a fully grown man, just in case you didn’t notice. So get over it, or get used to it, or do something but get past this, and if you can’t, then commit to that and don’t come near me again.”

  She jerked upright, utterly shocked. What started out as a sensual negotiation became a direct command and ultimatum. He wasn’t intending to spend any more time trying to beg and convince Hailey to be with him. He didn’t need to feel dirty or weird, and if she couldn’t get a grip on her feelings about him, then she needed to move on. He was willing to do whatever it took to be with her. He was willing to wait out her kids and keep it all a secret. He would let her go home and figure out this thing long distance. He knew that’s where this was headed, no matter what, and he was well aware of that before he slept with her. But to continue pussy-footing around the age issue? No. He wasn’t a little boy anymore and he refused to wait for Hailey to grow up. It wasn’t odd for him; he was fully grown up and sure of his actions, desires, and wants. He was not blind or stupid or clueless about what their being together involved, and he readily embraced their obstacles and differences.

  Their gazes locked and held. “Um…” Her mouth was open as she shook her head. “You don’t mess around, do you?”

  “Not about real issues. As for your kids? Hell, yeah. And dealing with your ex-husband and any hang-ups you have about moving past that, I can be sensitive and patient. But the age thing? And your constant insistence that I’m some underage brat? Forget it, Hailey. Now it’s all on you. I’ve been pretty honest with what I want to do with you and need from you. Do me the same favor in return.”

  She swallowed and her eyebrows furrowed together. “I’m terrified to date you. I was deeply hurt by Brent. But I don’t know, now that I’m divorced, if I ever truly loved him. Yet… I’m not sure I noticed that. It scares me that I’ll make the same mistakes again. It terrifies me how my kids will react. I’m so scared that my ineptitude and cluelessness might be screwing them up.”

  “I can deal with that. It’s your hang-up over our ages that I can’t tolerate.”

  “I-I’m, well, after this, it’s impossible for me not to think of you as a fully grown, and very capable man. I’ll deal with it… better. So much better. And I want to. I definitely want to see you again.”

  He nodded and leaned forward and kissed her. “Good. Because I think this could be something real for both of us.”

  She swallowed. “I don’t know about that. Is that an ultimatum too?”

  He shook his head. “No. Just a different perspective. I’m willing to date and take all the time necessary, but I refuse to have you acting like I’m a dirty, juvenile secret, or how it would be if I started sleeping with Brianna. I just want it clear between us that the two situations are nothing alike.”

  She gasped. “Wow, stark. Is that what I was doing to you?”

  “Yes. Or at least, that’s how it felt. You get I’m looking right at you, right? I see you. I see your eyes, your hair and I want nothing more than to strip you naked and have my way with you against this rock. So as for your age? It’s irrelevant. It cannot factor in my attraction to you… all of you, physical and otherwise. I just don’t need to bother if you only see me as a half-grown child, and your ego is flattered because I want to sex you up. It’s not anything like that for me.”

  She touched his cheek. “It’s not. I mean, it was at the start, but now I can see so much more in you. And you’re so...”

  “What?”

  She smiled softly. “You’re just so nice. Capable. How can your family and friends not understand that? I don’t know what you were like in the past, but now, you are fully a man that I want to date. And I’d even enjoy this rock with you too.” A blush seared her cheeks.

  “Are you blushing because of my age or because you’re not used to dating?”

  “I think the latter.”

  He nodded. “I can live with that.”

  “I should go now.” He nodded and released her. She smiled softly before dipping under the water and fish-tailing as she swam away from him. Joining the rapid current, she had to brace herself to make her way to the middle of the river in order to cross it. He waited a long while, staring up at the blue sky in appreciation of the heat and the sparkling sun shining over the river in the late afternoon spectacular show. He eventually made his move. The family was off still frolicking on the beach. No one eve
n glanced his way. He hoped for Hailey’s sake no one noticed their long departure or surmised where they were.

  Finally, it felt like something had shifted and changed and Joey could actually believe he didn’t have to walk on eggshells anymore. Perhaps he was finally making some headway with the one person whom he wanted to see him most clearly and know him better than any other. But how could that occur if her insecurities about their obvious age difference persisted?

  ****

  Now, after her body was eagerly pulsating in heady need, and her skin was flushed from being so close to Joey and hearing his shocking ultimatum, the one that clearly distinguished him from a boy playing around, now, she had to face her child again. Jacob waved her off, still wanting to play with Charlie. Brianna was nowhere she could see. Hailey trudged back to the cabin and found her holed up in her room. She sat down dejectedly, so tired of reacting to her daughter’s chronic misbehavior.

  She picked up the phone and swallowed her pride. She had to reach out for help. Help only Brianna’s father could give her.

  ****

  “You need to come out now.”

  Retrieving her key to the cabin, she dared to intrude on her daughter. Brianna jerked upright, and was about to start yelling or cursing as she demanded that Hailey leave her alone. Hailey cut her off before she could say anything more.

  “I called your dad.”

  Brianna snapped her mouth shut. “You what?”

  Hailey sat despondently on the bed and stared at her fingers, rubbing them together. Keeping her tone even, sad, and quiet, she replied, “You cornered a man far too old for you and when he refused you, you wouldn’t back off. You can’t stay here any longer. Your dad agrees with me. He invited you to come down there. He’s working on getting you an airline ticket right now. He loves you, Bri, and he was just as appalled as I am to hear how, at age fifteen, you could have easily ended up having sex with someone twenty-six or even older. I know you didn’t. But the thing is, you could easily have done it, if it had been anyone else. You are obviously crying out for something. I’m not sure what it is. I can’t seem to give it to you. I don’t know what else you want from me. I know how painful the divorce was on you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry we failed you. I’m also sorry your father moved on. I’m sorry, yes, but I can’t change reality. It just is. And I would if I could. It horrifies me when I think of what your dad and I did to you and your brother. But here we are, Bri. Your current behavior is totally out of control and I can’t, in good conscience, leave things as they are. I need for you to understand the consequences of your actions. I don’t seem to do anything but infuriate you all the more. So maybe your father can intervene and help you. Maybe. I don’t know. But I’m willing to try something new.”

  The front door slammed as she spoke. Jacob appeared in her bedroom doorway, the water still dripping off him. He stared at Hailey, then at his sister. For once, Brianna didn’t screech at him. She was still staring open-mouthed at Hailey.

  “You’re sending me away?”

  “I’ll try anything at this point to get through to you. See it any way you want. I don’t know what else to do.”

  Jacob glanced around. “Dad is letting her go down to Palm Springs with him?”

  Her heart squeezed. “Yes. He cares about you two. He’s just temporarily wrapped up in his new life. But you guys are still very much in his heart.”

  “He didn’t want us down there.”

  “But he does now.” Hailey didn’t add the details. After informing her ex that their daughter was on the verge of getting herself pregnant or hauled off to jail for assault if they didn’t do something now, it seemed unnecessary to include in her explanation. She recalled the frequent times Brianna was caught sneaking out all spring, along with all the times they caught her drinking… correction, Hailey caught her drinking and tried to discipline her by taking away all her free time and perks, especially the use of her phone. And the many times they’d been battling in rip-snarling fights and both shed gallons of tears. Brent usually shushed Hailey and tried to downplay Brianna’s behavior by summing it all up and accusing Hailey of overreacting to how Brianna was merely adjusting to life without her father.

  Well, her adjustment was now bordering on juvenile delinquent behavior in Hailey’s book. Becoming the shrilling, shrieking ex-wife was a role she’d happily take on if it successfully convinced Brent to finally listen to her complaints. For some reason, this time, Brent did listen to her. He even asked what they should do. Hailey suggested that he could come back, while clarifying she didn’t prefer that option and wasn’t trying to ruin his honeymoon. But there were serious behavioral challenges to confront with their daughter. He was the first to suggest that Brianna come to him, down there in Palm Springs, so he could talk to her and try to reconnect with her. He admitted that he realized during the last few weeks of not seeing them that he may have become a bit disconnected from the kids, and he missed them much more than he expected.

  Brianna sniffed. Hailey wondered if she were holding back tears. “Can Jacob come with me?”

  The rational, quiet tone of her daughter, so rarely heard anymore, astonished Hailey.

  “That’s up to him.”

  Jacob’s shoulders dropped. “I really miss him too. But I like it here a lot.”

  They hadn’t seen their father in five weeks. He was a contributing factor to their current predicament. “You could go down there for a week or so, and come back here. Or we could stay here longer than we first planned. Maybe try a Part Two here, following this part and doing it over. If”—she glanced toward Brianna—“if things change, starting from your attitude to your flirtatious behavior. And no more screaming obscenities at me. Ever. Your brother should not be listening to that foul language, and I refuse to anymore. What happened today…”

  Brianna glanced at Jacob and bit her lip as she shook her head. “I just get so angry, and feel overwhelmed that I do and say those things…”

  Hailey froze. When did that start? When was the last time her daughter spoke so carefully and honestly to her? Or reveal her true vulnerability and deepest feelings? Hailey leaned over and set her hand on Brianna’s shoulder.

  “You have every right to be angry. It’s shitty that your family broke up. And that your parents aren’t together anymore. But you have to get used to change and new ways of doing things. You have every right to that, yes, but you could try talking to us, rather than constantly punishing us for how you feel. I promise you, I don’t know all the answers, but I do know how your dad and I feel about you. As your parents, we have not changed or disappeared. In fact, we just agreed on this together. You can both rest assured that you still have us as a team, you have both of your parents. I know it isn’t exactly what you want or even enough right now; and believe me, I miss our family too, but you still have two parents that love you both dearly.”

  Brianna turned suddenly and snuggled against Hailey, wrapping her slim arms around her neck and cradling her head against her shoulder. She started to cry softly against her neck, her tears wetting Hailey’s skin. Hailey rubbed Brianna’s back and hot tears filled her own eyes as she consoled and comforted her. Jacob came closer and sat on the bed too. Hailey took his hand in hers and squeezed it.

  “Did you tell Dad what… what I did?”

  “We discussed it. You need to tell him what you did and why. We’re both so worried about you. We are always concerned about you, Bri. We love you so much, we can’t stand the pain you’re in and we both are suffering from deep-seated guilt over what we did to cause it. All we can do now, however, is try to find a positive way to heal it.”

  “I miss him. And… and he didn’t want us there. I mean, I didn’t want to watch him marry someone else…” She sucked in a deep breath. “But he didn’t want us there.”

  Jacob listened, taking it all in. Hailey sighed. “There’s no owner’s manual on how to thrive or even survive after divorce. Maybe Dad just screwed up too. You know? Perhaps he wasn’t
sure what to do, so he thought it would be easier on everyone not to include you. Not that he didn’t want you there or intended to exclude you. Does that make any sense?”

  Brianna hesitated but finally nodded, her tears still washing her eyes. “Do you really think so?”

  “I know so, honey.” No. Hailey really didn’t think so. Tonight’s conversation with her ex was the first she could remember since they separated when he sounded like the father she used to know. What could she say though? No, my darling children, your dad was so wrapped up in his new life and marrying his wife he didn’t give a second thought to you? She could not say that so… she lied. She hemmed and hawed and quoted banal platitudes. And she’d proudly own up to that, even if she could not admit it to them.

  “I’ll go,” Jacob said finally.

  Brianna glanced at him and then at Hailey, nodding. “I will too. If he wants us.”

  “He does.” Or at least, he had no choice in the matter after Hailey all but insisted upon it. Brent wasn’t a bad father; and that was one thing that had always bonded them: their loving reactions and interactions with their kids. But now? He changed. But Hailey didn’t feel like it was forever. Perhaps it was mid-life crisis or just a phase, like a freshman at college, eagerly busting out and partying and drinking after fleeing the confines of parental household rules and constraints. As for loving the kids? Of course they both did; and in Hailey’s calmer moments, she knew that was never in doubt. Her heart felt heavy, but also more buoyant. Brianna sounded full of remorse, even embarrassment over her actions, which was unprecedented during the last few months. She also seemed to care about the consequences of what she had done. Her tone was spoken with affection and care to Hailey, which was also pretty big nowadays.

  “Then maybe we could go see him. And… and Trinity. We’ll have to see her too, right?”

  She bit her lip. “Yes, of course. She’ll be there from now on, I expect.”

  That part left a bitter aftertaste in Hailey’s mouth. Would she send her kids to live with her freaking young replacement? Nasty thoughts and images suddenly filled her heart and head.